textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
