If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
