Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize