she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
