What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
