just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
