Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
There's always time for handjobs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
