i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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