If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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