I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
