Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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