We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
