I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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