whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
