If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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