Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
