Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
