Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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