I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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