you didnt know i had herpes?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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