God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
