your parents love me but you hate me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
