I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
