I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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