I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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