ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
