I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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