The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
