the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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