We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
