I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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