Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
