also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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