You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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