I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
