sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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