roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize