So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
