I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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