goodnight i made you a song goodbye
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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