Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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