Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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