I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
