Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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