If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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