the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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