my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize