I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
