a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
