Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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