How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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