i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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