I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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