I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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