i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
