She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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