"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize