You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
