Old men and throwing up are my life now.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
