It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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