don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
zippers are such a cool invention
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
