Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
