i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
