The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
