You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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