piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
