right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm getting married
To pizza
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
