Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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