There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
