So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
