I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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