Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
