I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
