but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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